Most people wonder what the future of Internet Marketing will hold for them & whilst in San Diego recently the strangest thing happened which took me on a journey I'll never forget and gave me a glimpse of the IM Future…
…I presented at Ed Dale’s Awesome Coming Home Conference at the Hard Rock Hotel and then stayed on an extra week to go to Frank Kern and Trey Smith’s List Control. This was held at the same venue which was also pretty god damn awesome! I even got to hook up with'The Wolf of Wall Street' – Jordan Belfort and his other half Anne who I’ve spoken to on the phone but never actually met.
Between the gigs there were loads of crazy parties but the craziest was on my last night at the Hard Rock Hotel…
…Following Frank's after party I was on my way back to my room when I met an old professor in the elevator who had a time machine & invited me on a journey to the future of Internet Marketing.
Strange proposition, I know… but I was feeling frisky so gave it a whirl!
It worked! Seriously… I was able to travel to the future and am now back to report my findings with hard photographic proof of what it looks like.
Guys I warn you – THIS IS NOT PRETTY!
To be precise I was able to travel 22 years ahead to the year 2032. Don’t ask me why he chose this year but he did!
Apparently we only had one day, which I’m sure was a scarcity tactic, to get me in the confined space of the machine, but it worked a treat and I was in before he could say “Flux Capacitor”!
We blasted into the future and landed in the middle of an Internet Marketing Conference:
Year: 2032
Venue: Hard Rock Hotel – San Diego
Event: Challenge Control! (See what I did there!…)
I managed to gleen as much information as I could and gathered loads of ‘facts' of what happened between 2010 and 2032. It's pretty shocking I must warn you!
Here’s my report written from 2032:
Ed Dale:
Ed is still the undisputed head of the Melbourne IM Mafia and 30DC Inc is now the biggest Global IM Company. It received a hostile takeover by Apple in 2020 and there were rumours that Ed's love for Apple made him an easy walkover. Ed settled for huge amounts of stock in Apple with a place on the board and eventually moved to Apple HQ where he now actually lives with his family. Yep he lives in the Apple HQ compound where he is said to be as happy as a pig in ….!
…He's got uninterrupted access to all of their product line and hasn't actually left Apple HQ in 5 years now and just sends one of his ‘iDroids' to present so I was unable to get a picture of him.
I did get the following picture of his iDroid though:
Ed Dale's iDroid
Frank Kern:
Frank now owns the whole of La Jolla in San Diego and was named Mayor of San Diego in 2020. That’s when the crazy parties stopped and he settled down. This lifestyle change, mixed with a few Californian ‘nips and tucks' is the reason he has aged so well and is still the ‘Golden Balls Bombshell’ of Internet Marketing.
Here’s a picture of him in 2032:
Frank Kern
I'm sure you'll agree – Frank's looking pretty good seeing as he’s lived in the fast lane with the rich and famous over the last couple of decades. He’s showing some lines on his forehead and has a few spare tyres round his midriff but apart from that he’s still a head turner!
The event featured the following presentations:
– Hologram Boss by Andy Jenkins: Awesome presentation but we didn't get to see him coz he sent his hologram instead! It was so cool watching a hologram of Andy strutting round the stage. He's apparently still rockin the town and has aged fairly gracefully since finding God in 2018 but like I say we didn't get to see him in the flesh and the hologram moved so quickly we couldn't get a good pic I'm afraid.
Andy Jenkins Hologram
– HV2 Control – Frank Kern and Trey Smith: Amazing show where they wowed the audience on how to control other peoples second versions of themselves (Human Version 2) on mass! HV2 is the new advanced version of the iDroid which is still in alpha so these guys are way ahead of their time. Trey didn't show up and just sent his HV2. He doesn't appear in public much anymore due to his break up with Paris Hilton in 2028, which was a messy affair and left poor Trey harassed by the paparazzi, bless him! More about Paris in a bit…
– Droid Force – John Reese: John sent one of his droids to present and a few more as part of the stage show. It contained awesome info and was very liberating to know that you can run your business using energy free droids. He sent a live holographic message whilst island hopping in Greece before his trip to Mars. Nice!
John Reese Hologram
– Thought Streaming – John Carlton: John didn't attend coz he wanted to demonstrate his new technique called ‘Thought Streaming', which is basically John Streaming his thoughts into our minds whilst on the other side of the world. It was a 5 minute totally silent presentation with a 5 second pitch, but boy was it persuasive! Everyone in the room rushed the stage to buy a copy of his next product, even Stan Dahl his business partner needlessly bought one. Freaky!
– Neuro Samurai – Eugene Ware: Eugene allowed his iDroid to present which gave a stunning performance of advanced Neuro Marketing techniques predicting and measuring peoples ‘thought energy' waves. He now heads up Global Samurai Inc part of the Fortune 500.
He showed up at the event and has aged fairly well since he gave up pepsi max in 2015:
Eugene Ware
– Dan Raine – Underground Domination: Dan didn’t make an appearance. He’s lived in an underground bunker for the last 7 years and has run his global empire from there, hence the title of his presentation. Dan is apparently one of the biggest backers of Americas largest underground city: ‘Underworld'. He has bought himself a 500,000 Sq Mtr cave (with entertainment plot) on Sunless Boulevard.
The presentation was as stunning as ever and Dan shared some of his techniques and strategies on how to hack into & control other peoples droids and holograms. Sweet!
– Antique Domain Investment Strategies – Kenny Goodman: Very interesting presentation on how antique domain names are now being collected by major museums and exhibitions and go for Billions. T'was nice to see that Future Kenny owns some of the worlds top domains but I had to keep totally out of view from the older me to avoid any kind of Time Paradox – which on all accounts could have had devastating consequences for the universe and beyond! James Schramko has the biggest collection of antique domains, with 10 million in total – Frickin Hoarder!
This is mainly due to going back into the nightclub business. Leslie Rohde, Dan Thies and future me now own the biggest Virtual Nightclub (VN) chain in the world, Jason Moffatt owns the second biggest and as ever was in high spirits at the event. JMo still has no fixed abode and has been travelling now for 22 years!
Leslie couldn’t make the gig coz he doesn't ever leave the VN space – he says he only feels safe & happy there! He sent his hologram though which did a stunning presentation on how he mastered the female algorithm, which he's called it FSO – Female Search Optimisation.
Leslie's physical body now lives in a cabana by the pool on the 4th floor of the Hard Rock Hotel. Apparently he sometimes opens the door for room service but we just didn't have time to try that out!
Here's a picture of me, Leslie & Dan Raine in Leslie's favourite spot on the 4th floor back in 2010 before he had released FSO to the world:
Kenny, Leslie, Dan
Marty Rozmanith – Droid Direct – Marty wowed the audience with his new tool – Droid Direct which allows you to upload your Droids onto the national network in minutes rather than hours. It also allows you to upload other Droids voices and actions. Nice! Marty has aged ok but is showing quite a few lines on his forehead.
Marty Rozmanith
We missed Paul Colligan, Bill Glazer and Brendon Burchard present unfortunately. Paul's iDroid was heard heckling at the back of the room though!
There’s a few other IM legends who have partied a little too hard since 2010 and passed their ‘sell by date’, the following pictures prove it.
Check Michelle MacPhearson just before a hot seat session:
Michelle MacPhearson
Michelle was one of the hottest chicks in Internet Marketing back in the glory days of 2010, but the years of partying with her younger Bro – Dan have proved to take their toll.
Dan married Paris Hilton in 2030 and they've both surprisingly settled down now and become ‘Born again Christians'!
Lynn Terry and Caro McCourtie who were also on the 2010 hot list prove that the fast lane lifestyle just doesn’t pay off. Check their pics here:
Lynn Terry
Caro McCourtie
Donal Doherty is now the sole owner of Guinness. You can see all those late nights in Dublin all over his face:
Donal Doherty
Remember Pete ‘Man Hunk’ Williams? OMG I hope you guys are ready for this…
Pete Williams
… As you can see his excessive lifestyle has totally back fired on him and when I asked him whether it was worth it, he gave me a very slow and slurred: “OH YEH BABY!” – He seemed happy enough and had no regrets.
Nez (Andrew Nesbitt) has calmed down on the Southern Comfort and has started drinking Manchester tap water. This combo has aged him fairly gracefully – see below
Nez
How could I complete a report without giving the organiser of the event a mention. Robert Somerville flew round like a blue arse fly on speed – to create an amazing event. Well his iDroid did! Here's a pic:
GuruBob's iDroid
GuruBob didn't actually show up in person – he now spends his days chillin and plottin on a paradise Island near Thailand. Good on him!
Signing off now….End of 2032 Report……
So what are your thoughts on the future of Internet Marketing?
Leave your comments below and I will ask the mad professor to deliver them to the future!
Remember to Retweet, ‘Facebook Like' and Digg – I think the world needs to know what's round the corner…
